Want vs. Need

I’m not going to sit here and pretend I’m not an open book. I have a blog and my parents are my friends on facebook for crying out loud. All my political opinions, not to mention self-questioning, is out there for the world to read. However, there is one topic I avoid addressing in my blogs and Facebook, as made clear by my lack of a “interested in” and “relationship status” entry. The topic of relationships.

It’s not that I don’t think about it, I do. I simply don’t write about it. Mostly because I know a few of those I’ve been involved with still read this blog and as a few of them are still considered friends, I don’t want to hurt their feelings or create new arguments about events long since passed.

This month will mark one and half years of single life for me. I know that doesn’t seem like much to some, but look at my history. I’ve been involved in serious relationships for 5 years straight, from 17 to 23. That is a significant part of your developing phase to be attached so strongly to a few individuals. Which brings me to my main point of this whole blog.

I spent most of my teenage life believing in relationship myths and holding on to romantic notions. What that turned into was a desire to be needed. And no offense meant to my past relationships, but that’s all I became. I was needed, like a crutch…a decision maker, an outlet for venting, a punching bag. I believed in the myth that a good woman can change a man and that I had the ability to fix broken men. But I learned in those 5 years that people need to change themselves and can’t rely on others to do it for them, myself including.

For 5 years, I think I needed relationships in the way they needed me. I needed to be needed. I needed the drama, occasionally mixed with good times. It wasn’t until my last relationship ended that I realized that the reason I had been involved in so many long distance relationships was precisely the reason why I shouldn’t have pursued relationships at all. I need my space. I need my freedom. I was trying to combine two things that wouldn’t mix. A need to be needed and a need to be free.

Need is a dangerous thing. When you rely on something, it controls you in a way. I’ve determined I would much rather be wanted. Not in a sexual way, though I think everyone would agree that is nice as well. Someone wanting you entails mutual power in the relationship. Someone may wants you, but you have the power to grant or deny. Want entails an attraction in all aspects, not just a need, but a want to get to know you, a want to be near you. Want is more free than need.

I’m not unhappy in my single life. I’ve never needed the physical aspects of a relationship like other women, and therefore am perfectly satisfied to curl up on my couch night after night with my dog. Not to mention trying to fit in a boyfriend during this program may prove difficult. And there are plenty of attractive undergrads on campus to look over ) But what I really miss is the attraction that comes with finding a personality and humor that is worth pursuing, that is worth the time and effort. Anybody can dress up to catch a man, but the only man worth catching is the one that makes you work harder than just putting on a busty shirt. And those men are few and far between.

So I conclude with lyrics, per usual, but these more as a thinking tool. Dispel those relationship myths people and wait for the good stuff.

“Single” – Natasha Bedingfield

I’m not waiting around for a man to save me
Don’t depend on a guy to validate me
I don’t need to be anyone’s baby
No, I don’t need another half to make me….whole

Don’t need to be on somebody’s arm to look good
I’m not saying I don’t want to fall in love ‘cos I would
I’m not going to get hooked up just ‘cos you say I should
I’m gonna wait so I’m sorry if you misunderstood

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