Typically when people start talking about how married couples should consider this or that, I tune out. It doesn’t apply to me.
Every once in a while though, something in the conversation catches my attention. Several months ago, I heard someone talking about how many married couples struggle with the concept of “doing life” together.
Doing life together. What does that mean?
To me, that means more than just the ups and downs. It means more than caring for the person despite their faults or moods. It means doing the mundane, the boring, the messy, the strange, the annoying and the small things together. It means sitting in silence, chewing your food, walking around, and just being in one another’s presence for whatever comes along.
I don’t think this concept is exclusive to couples. I feel I use this in every day life. I “do life” with my close friends. We don’t always have something exciting to talk about or have the time to go out and party. Sometimes, I just sit on the couch with my friend Martha at her house while we both work on our computers. We don’t talk, nor do we feel the need to fill the space – we simply “do life” together. Other times something bad will happen and though I might not know what to say, I’m there with her, experiencing it right along side her.
What I’ve come to find is it is just as hard to find a platonic friendship as a romantic partner, who is willing to take on this task. Most people are in it for the thrill – the drama, the gossip, the chit chat. Few people have it in them to stick around for the hard times, let alone the boring, every day stuff.
People, get out there and “do life” together. Don’t expect it to always be exciting and new. Sometimes the small things are what bring you closer together.
It’s amazing how difficult “simple” can be sometimes. I’ve never understood how someone could get bored spending time w/her best friend, even if it is just an every day kind of day.
i’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Chris and i just celebrated our 20th anniversary. i was shocked when he pointed it out. and it’s startling to me that i’ve never considered the time passing. it’s not like i’ve ever thought, “holy cow, i’ve been doing this for 15 years” or whatever. it just is. and maybe we don’t care for the ‘rents but this is the one thing they taught us. at the end of the day, it’s just you and yours. be with yours. yes?
and i totally agree with you, there are few visible differences between my enduring platonic relationships and my marriage. the loyalty and commitment are the same.
Well said by whoever put the “doing life” tag on it. I’ve been married for 6+ years now and there are ups and downs but it’s as easy as we want to make it on ourselves and each other. Friends are the same way – it’s a long term commitment with emotions at stake. I apply the same concepts – never leave angry, never forget why you are together in the first place, and always apologize when you screw up.
I agree with Chris, well said by everyone!
Man, human relationships are tough and complex. I mean, I agree with all the nicey nice stuff, and I love my wife and son, but sometimes its tough! I get bored, frustrated, angry, sad, etc. I say stupid things and my feelings get hurt when Beth says stupid things. Sometimes I don’t know what to do or if I am doing the right things at all. Most often people come into a relationship with different life experiences, different ways of seeing the world, different needs and different ways of expressing and receiving love and affection. It’s the same with my friendships.
To me “doing life” means honoring my commitments to relationships in conscious and open ways. Even if there is crap going on it can usually be worked through with open communication and honesty. I don’t always agree with what my wife says, what my friends say, but I listen, I express my views and i stick in it to work to some mutually beneficial outcome.
The biggest value I think that keeps my relationship strong with Beth is that we both know we each have the others best interest in mind. It’s a value I try to live in my relationships with friends as well.
I think I got a little off topic, but that’s okay, right? =)
Excellent thoughts, Katie. And even those of us who’ve been married a long time (12 years and counting OMG), need other people in our lives to just “do life” with.
I can’t function without my girlfriends. I share lots with my husband – but there are things your girls just understand better. And finding those people in your life you can just sit on the couch with live in the quite moments, is hard. The ones you have are precious.