So I got a bit tipsy tonight…it was a long day and I needed to ease into sleep. Except, instead of sleep, I got the crazy idea to plug in my external hard drive and read through my livejournal entries from Junior year of college. Yes, that’s right, I had another blog before this one. I’ve had several before this one, but thankfully always had the sense to delete them entirely so as to leave no evidence.
But after reading through a few entries tonight, I realize why I saved this particular blog.
In just five years, I’ve become a completely different person. I read those entries and it’s as if they had been written by a child. A hopeless romantic, naive child, caught up in people pleasing and thinking she was the root of all mistakes. Wow I didn’t have a spine. Except when it came to RHA, I was a push over, hopelessly addicted to an idea that didn’t exist. I was trusting and a dreamer.
I’m not saying I’ve lost all those things, but I’ve become way more cynical about the way the world works. I used to write stories and poetry. I couldn’t come up with a creative paragraph today if my life depended on it. I used to feel things, take everything to heart, take everything personally. Now I can’t feel about things I should feel about and overload myself with feeling the unimportant things. Wow, could I use the word things anymore in the course of this blog?
I’m deleting it. I’m ready to forget about this shit. It made me stronger and for that I am grateful, but I don’t want to read about my sappyness anymore. Case closed.
Did we break you?